We all work for the organisation’s goals — but the goal, the way to achieve the goal, the sub-goals, the order of priority — it is all open to interpretation.

And the bigger the team, the bigger the differences.

I share 2 workplace conflicts from my career that illustrate this:

1. Boss-related

I didn’t get along with a boss.

He didn’t have time to discuss issues. Feedback was absent, and he met us only when there was an escalation from another department.

I felt unseen and unappreciated.

2. Department-related

The Customer Service team wanted to log ‘all’ types of client requests in a new software for tracking, before it was routed to Operations (my team) for processing.

I, the Operations Manager, felt that in the first stage, only requests of a ‘complaint nature’ should be logged in the system.

The others (request for address change, nominee change, etc.) can continue as it were for some time, till the new system stabilised.

The matter reached a Senior — who went with the Customer Service team’s view.

In both the conflicts, I was at the losing end.

In the case of the boss, I left that job.

— — –

Could I have handled these issues better?

How can one get better at managing conflicts?

After reading a number of books on conflict — and by continuous reflection, journaling, and real-world experience — I have found 2 practices that has helped to improve my ability to manage conflicts.

I share it in the hope that it will help you too.

1. Don’t Turn the Counterpart into a Villain

Most conflicts start as differences of opinion.

They turn into conflict when we attach a story to them, like:

“I am right, they are wrong.”
“They have an agenda.”
“They’re trying to make life difficult for me.”
“He / She is doing this deliberately.”

This leads to emotional hijack and escalation — often over issues that are entirely manageable.

When I think about the main reason behind the conflicts I have had, it is almost always preceded by stories like the above.

For instance, in the above two situations, the thoughts I possibly had were:

Boss-related: “The boss doesn’t care about us. He is only concerned with what his boss / higher-ups want.”

Department-related: “The Customer Service team doesn’t give a damn about our (Ops team) concerns. They are only interested in keeping their area spick and span.”

At the workplace, as such, you have to be on guard.

You can’t let opinions — gathered from hearing others or even your own team — shape your impression of the counterpart.

— — –

2. Write Down Your Thoughts Before Engaging

If you struggle with conflict, it is likely that a conflict situation leads to a flood of emotions in you.

It activates your fight, flight, or freeze mode.

The most effective way to break this pattern is to write down your thoughts — in a Q&A format — before you engage with the counterpart.

This will help convert a vague emotional storm into a solvable problem.

I increasingly rely on this approach whenever I face a conflict.

I share how I would write down for the above 2 office conflicts, were I to face them again:

Situation 1 — Boss-Related

What exactly is the conflict about?

The boss doesn’t care about us. He is just concerned with what his boss / higher ups want.

Is he generally like that with everyone?
Yes

Does he do it deliberately? Or is it his nature?
His nature, I think.

What do I want?
I want to be able to discuss my issues with him.

Specifically?
If I can meet him for 15 minutes every second day, one-on-one, it will help.

Is that the only thing?
I also want feedback from him on my performance.

Okay. How can I get that?
Maybe ask for feedback on my performance — what I am doing well / where I need to work on — in that meeting.

Okay. What else?
That will be all for now.

How should I go about it?

Approach him and suggest something like, “Sir, I need your help in my work. The daily meeting that you hold with all managers does not give me sufficient time to discuss my issues in confidence. Would it be possible for us to meet every couple of days — one-to-one — for 15 minutes? At your convenience.”

What will be his reaction?
I think he will agree.

What other options are there in case this doesn’t work out?

I can adjust to his style, now that I realise he is not doing it deliberately just with me. It is his nature.

I can also seek a transfer to another department. I can take another job.

How do I feel after doing the above exercise, writing through my problem?

I feel good and lighter. Guess the issue isn’t as bad as I thought.

(It is humbling to realize now that a job I left, would have turned out okay, had I worked through my emotions better.)

Example 2: Department-related

What exactly is the conflict about?

Their requirement vs. what I think is best for now.

What in my opinion, is the reason for the Customer Service team to insist on logging ‘all’ types of customer requests in the software?

Because they find following up with us, on individual items, tough. Logging ‘all’ in the system will give them a better and quicker view of the status of different requests.

Why am I against it?
My team is already making errors. I am not confident my team will be able to adapt to the new system fast enough. There will be left-outs, and the Customer Service team will then escalate this aspect too.

What do I think about the new system?
It is good. Eventually, it will help us too. It will reduce manual follow-through on individual requests.

What options are there?
Log only requests of a ‘Complaint’ nature for now. To allay them, I can commit a shorter time — a fortnight — to move ‘All’ to the system.

What if they insist on moving ‘All’ now?

I will convey that there could be a potential disruption for a fortnight till the system stabilises. They shouldn’t make a hue and cry during this period.

What other issues do I see?

Some requests would take weeks to resolve, as we need to coordinate with outside entities. This needs to be made clear to the Service team. If possible, a provision to tag such Customer requests with a field ‘Dependent on outside entity’ should be there in the system.

Great. What else?

I think it will help if I can confide with Suresh in their team. I have a better equation with him. He will understand and possibly help to come to a middle ground.

How do I feel after doing the above exercise, writing through my problem?

It has given me insight into what I actually fear — and what I can insist on to address my concerns. It has also given me the idea to reach out to Suresh for a confidential word.

— — –

Why This Exercise Works

When you write, your brain slows down.

Writing forces your brain to:

• break the emotional loop,
• separate fears from facts,
• articulate what exactly you fear, and
• clarify what outcome you can accept.

You stop reacting. You start responding.

True, the exercise could take 15–20 minutes — but it will save you days of stress and avoidable conflict.

— — –

A Caution Note:

These principles apply to reasonable people; people who differ in style, priorities, or views.

They don’t apply to manipulators or those who play office politics.

With such individuals, you must be guarded, document interactions, and set firmer boundaries.

— — –

You don’t resolve conflict by reacting better — you resolve it by thinking clearer.

I share a Conflict work-through form you can use to prepare for a difficult conversation.